Jamie Watches TV

In the beginning, I would watch quite a bit of TV in the evenings with my host family. It was usually a Georgian news program, or a telenovela dubbed into Georgian. The telenovelas were frustrating to watch because I would be trying to pick out the few Spanish words that could be heard despite the dubbing in order to have an idea of what was going on. The news was extremely boring to watch, but did have the advantage of giving me practice with the Georgian alphabet, since I would be able to read and recognize the names of countries like Libya or Turkey in the corner of the screen. When the weather came on was when I would really test my skills at reading the names of cities before they would disappear in a few seconds, in preparation for future instances in which a marshrutka is barreling towards me and I have to quickly read the Georgian destination sign in the window to decide whether I should flag them down or not. 

A few weeks ago, my host family had some one come over and install some English language television stations, a very kind gesture on their part. Now I'd like to tell you about English language television in Georgia.

There are a few different stations that come in. The main ones that I watch are Russia Today (RT) and Deutsche Welle (DW). Besides that there's France24, which I watched once and was really bored by, a church channel, and a channel called Smile of a Child, which I've never watched, because it sounds weird. 

So let's talk about RT. It's based in Moscow, but has some programming coming out of London and New York, and most of the commentators are American, a few are British, and one lady has a really strange accent that I can't place. RT is mostly news programs. At first, it seems like a legit news station. It's got the really snazzy graphics and sets, but there's something that's a little off. The people. From what I gather, if you're trying to find work as a news anchor, but you keep getting turned down because of your lack of social skills, your obnoxious personality or your drug habit, try sending your resume to Russia. They'll probably take you. 

Meet Max Keiser. A former stockbroker, now hosting the Keiser Report, "a no holds barred look at global finance." During the first few minutes of seeing his show, he reminded me a lot of Norm MacDonald. He looks a bit like him, and has the same dry delivery and sarcasm. Then I realized there was a difference. Norm makes you laugh. Max makes you confused and uncomfortable. He never smiles, and he often goes on long rants that don't really make any sense. In one episode, he had a stuffed animal that looked like a sewer rat. I think it was a metaphor for Jamie Diamond or something. He used the sewer rat to talk about Jamie or whoever it was, at which point most sensible TV hosts (if sensible TV hosts would have the rat in the first place) would put it away. However, Max kept bringing it back. When the camera was on his co-host, Stacy Herbert (I'll get to her in a second), the rat slowly crept into the bottom corner of the frame. Hilarious, but also a little awkward. In another episode, he started talking in a robot voice. That, too, continued for much much too long. Stacy, is worse. Unlike Max, she is always smiling, in a weird, spacey way that makes you think she's probably taken a lot of pills before going on air. How does she deal with Max's crazy antics? By not even being aware of them in the first place, is what it looks like. Max will go on a 10-minute rant where's he's arguing with himself as two different characters in a very Gollum-esque style, and as soon as he stops, it will cut to Stacy, who with the same silly smile on her face, says "That's right, Max. And the New York Times reported today that...." YouTube it, it's worth it. 

Then there's Lauren Lyster. She has her own show, too, although I can't remember what it's called. Lauren is a smart lady. Which means she probably wouldn't need to wear ridiculously short skirts (I get embarrassed for her when she's sitting on a stool interviewing someone without a desk in front of her) and super low cut tops with a push up bra. She also talks like a drunk cheerleader at a frat party when she's debating with someone. "These policies are sooo NOT going to boost the economy! Like, whatever!" - OK, that's an exaggeration, but it's otherwise difficult to express the kind of obnoxious tone she uses in writing. It's also my theory that she has a rocky romantic past with one of her commentators, Demitri, who seems like kind of a jerk anyways. Because they always end up in screaming arguments with each other where you can't understand what either is saying, and you wonder whether you're watching a news show or the Jersey Shore. 

Other than that, there's a British news anchor with fascinating eyebrows. He's like a real life version of Johnny Bravo, and a foreign woman, the one with the mysterious accent, who looks exactly like one of the women on SNL. One of the new ones, whose name no one knows yet. 

In between shows on RT, there are little interesting bits about Russia. I'm learning a lot about the place. Indigenous cultures, sled dogs, reindeer, mostly things that have to do with extreme cold....

And then there's Deutsche Welle, a network based in Berlin. DW isn't as news centered as RT, so once I've caught the 20 minutes of RT news that will just keep repeating itself for the next  2 hours, I switch it over. The programs on DW are really varied and random, but usually interesting. There was one about a Scottish guy who fell in love with a German and moved to Hamburg, where he started a very successful hand-sewn kilt business. Another was about endangered frogs in Africa, and the German scientist trying to convince villagers in the reason to stop hunting them for food and to eat pork instead. Another was about a woman who gave up her baby for adoption when she was a young girl in the U.S. She never wanted to but the father pressured her to do it and she felt she didn't have another option. Years later, the son, who had meanwhile been adopted into a Jewish home, finally was able to contact his parents when he was like in his 40's, and he came to meet them in Germany. This was very touching, and I'm sure I looked like I was about to cry because my host mom looked at me strangely and asked me what the show was about. I never told her, because of course I don't know how to explain that in Georgian. During certain hours of the day, DW has German program, and the rest is English. Usually it's the same shows, just dubbed one way or the other. I like watching the German programming, because it helps me brush up on my German, and it also makes me feel good to know that I've barely lost it, as far as listening goes, anyway - speaking is another story. DW makes me very homesick for Germany, seeing all the little things that distinguish the country. The green and yellow bus stops, the perfectly landscaped gardens, hearing the sound of the language. This was why, the other night, I spent about an hour researching job prospects for English teachers in Germany. Which brings me to my next topic: The EU is stupid. It would be smart if I could get an EU passport that would allow me to easily work in Germany, Italy, Spain...As it is, I can't. And it's stupid.